Since Jeremy went and published an entry full of lies and deception about how Auburn will win the national championship game this year, it became necessary for me to set the record straight and to correctly educate our dear fans in why Auburn will not win:
- Prior to the discovery of America by the Europeans, the Seminole nation hunted hawks and tigers across the entire region. In fact, when Ponce de Leon arrived in Florida, he found that the tribe had invented Tiger Balm and took the first tins of the salve back to Spain. Unfortunately, the Tiger Balm went rancid on the long journey, causing Queen Isabela to become infertile, so she had the Spaniards destroy the entire population of Tigers in the New World.
- While “Gus” seems like a grand ol’ American name, his full name is something Gustav Malzahn. I even had to look up how to spell Malzahn in Google. No one named “Gustav” will ever win a title in American Football, dammit. Go back to Sweden, commie!
- The title game will be played in the Rose Bowl stadium. There are no auburn-colored roses.
- Auburn has the “Gus Bus”. Who drives buses for a living? Not the successful people, amiright? Florida State rides a freakin’ horse onto the field. That’s serious business, there.
- Jameis Winston won the Heisman. Do you know the last Heisman winner to play for the national championship? Cam Newton. Boom, mind blown.