By: Bill Bennett
Hope Solo, Olympic Gold Metal Champion and raging asshole, blamed Sweden for the loss of their soccer match yesterday, accusing them of playing like cowards.
That is only the tip of the iceberg. She also blames Sweden for causing her to beat her head against the wall for three hours after trying to put together that four piece end table from Ikea. “Those damn Swedes, ” she bitched, “Sent my brother to the ER back in 2004. I told him to go the driveway to see my new Volvo. He thought I said “vulva” and sprained his groin humping the car like it was a German Shepard in heat.” What really pissed her off happened after watching the movie “Mamma Mia.” She was so overwhelmed by rhyming of the songs “Honey, Honey,” and “Money, Money, Money” that she arranged an orgy with ABBA. “Now I missed my period and I will give birth to a spineless, Herring loving, pacifist.” She went on to preach, “Did you know those lily-livered Swedes were neutral in the “Big War?” Not like the good ole US of A. We bomb the shit out of any country whenever we feel like it. Who needs Congressional approval or a formal declaration of war?”
Hope blame several other countries for atrocities they have committed:
Great Britain: For honoring that bitch Queen Elizabeth who she is sure smells like cat piss
Poland: For taking some many people to screw in a light bulb
Japan: For sushi. “There are plenty of fish smells in the locker room after a match that satisfy my cravings.”
By: Bill Bennett
It is a well known fact that Tim Tebow does not believe in sex before matrimony. I felt the same way until the eleventh grade when Angela Cooterson got drunk, thought I was the Captain of the baseball team, and rode me like a palomino. In fact, it has been said that Tim believes the fantasy of sex in one’s mind matters as much as the sex in your bedroom. If he is right about this, and I hope he is, that means there are going to be a room full of horny Las Vegas show girls when I turn in tonight.
Playing baseball is going to be a moral dilemma for Mr. Tebow. How can he reconcile extra base hits with his strong puritanical beliefs? What will he do if he has to go to “second base” before he gets married? What will he do if he has to steal a base, shattering one of the commandments? Can you imagine the self-flagellation he will endure if he gets to third base? Forget about a “home run.” Will the pro scouts care that he throws like a girl and won’t rearrange his privates at the plate before he bats?
I heard Tim wanted to play in the Bronx, but when they told him he would be a “Yankee” he said he didn’t masturbate and didn’t want to be around anyone who did. Wherever he lands, probably the Los Angeles “Angels,” we all wish him the best and hope that baseballs will relieve his blue balls.
By: Bill Bennett
Most people have never heard of Butch Jones. This includes 66% of the players he coaches. I asked his tight end, La Scivious Chlamydia, what they thought of Coach Jones. He responded, “Is that the white dude with a nasal voice and crew cut. He is a douche.” He went on to say, ” Ever since Coach found out he was the 13th choice to replace that pansy who wore the orange pants he has been a real prick. He was really pissed when he found out Coach Fulmer’s wife, Vicky, turned down the job before he was interviewed.” All of his other teammates were too busy pleading with their lawyers to have their rape charges reduced to aggravated domestic assaults to talk to me. So, I did some deep diving to find out who Butch Jones really is.
Butch was born Lyle Allen Jones, Jr. Many people blame the deaths of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy on him as those tragic events happened in the same year. As an aside, Lyle was the name of the kid in my high school who played the role of Juliet in “Romeo and Juliet” when Amanda Grunewald was suspended for starting a knife fight in the girls bathroom over the last tampon in the machine. Lyle, who went by the nickname “Basket Shopper,” had a promising career as manicurist and back up dancer on a Carnival cruise ship. This was cut short when he was arrested for giving a blow job to an undercover cop at a rest stop on I-85. I heard he pleaded innocent saying, “Yes, I saw the hole in the stall, but I was hungry so I put a dollar in the slot and ordered a hot dog. I should have known something was “up” when it came through without a bun.” There is some good news about Lyle. When he got out of prison, I heard his anal rejuvenation surgery was a success. The point here is adopting the nickname Butch made sense for Lyle. It also helped him compensate for being born with an inverted penis.
The only other Butch I have known in my lifetime is Vaginella “Butch” Beaverton, who is head of security at the Wal Mart Supercenter over in Eufala. I know her as “Vag” from high school, but her name tag says “Butch” and I am not about to argue with her. I met her when we were both on the wrestling team. Nobody knew she was a girl for the first month of practice. She was the most aggressive player on the team, and I secretly admired her stamina and flannel shirts. Vag was the reason that our team beat Abbeville in our first match of the season. She took down the captain of their team, Pierre La Faggota, with an “Indiana Hook” followed by a “Fireman’s Carry.” She also kicked him in the “balls.” The coach caught on after the match when he noticed red stains on Vag’s uniform. He was concerned and ordered “him”
to get in his office and strip for a closer look. Coach came out of his office, shaking his head and white as a Republican delegate. “Vag is female” he said, “The red stains are not from injuries. She is on the rag.” We had to forfeit the match. The kid she body slammed during the match, Pierre, was disowned by his humiliated father. He changed his name to Mookie Steel hoping to grow a pair and moved to Elba where he has a part time job at the DQ Grill and Chill. On weekends, he makes extra bucks by scraping roadkill off County Road 309. This is also his main source of protein.
Butch was born in a small town in southern Michigan. He played with himself and was always sniffing his fingers, so kids, teachers and even perverts stayed away. Things didn’t get better as he aged. He had a rough high school experience. He finally got a date his junior year when Ronnie Snodgrass’s cousin visited for the weekend and Ronnie could only go out if he found her a date. After calling everyone he didn’t like, he called on Butch. When Ronnie’s cousin slipped Butch the tongue with her good night kiss, he lost control and stained his khakis. The next day he told his mother that he had spilled glue in his underpants while playing with his “Erector” set. His mother just sighed and said, “How did I raise such a putz?” He squeaked by in High School thanks to his A in typing class, his perfect attendance record and the blue ribbon he won for the birdcage he built in wood shop.( Only Butch knew he was trying to make an ashtray). But, he was a fearless football player and earned this left handed compliment from his coach. “He is too dumb to know when to stop trying.” He applied to every name brand college in Southwestern Michigan, but was rejected because he couldn’t complete the applications. “The questions were brutal,” he lamented, “I didn’t take Geometry so I didn’t know how to answer that what is your SSN# question.” After his mother spent the afternoon with the Dean of admissions in the back of his Dodge, he did get a scholarship to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off State University in Big Rapids, Michigan. This was a big deal for Butch. FBDO State was 94 miles away from home. It took him three days to get there because he kept taking a left and falling into Lake Michigan instead of turning right onto US 131. His mother finally drove him there because she was sick of drying him off. In an exclusive interview, she told me. “I would have slept with a John Deere Combine to get his ass out of the house.”
Join us next week for Part 2 of the Butch Jones Story, “How a Mediocre Coach can fool the media by following two great coaches using their playbook and players.”
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Much like life, in college football there are the haves and then there are the have-nots. In this week’s podcast, we unearth a literal basement tape from Carey and Jeremy wherein the SEC East and West are discussed until a consensus ranking is formed. So it is written, so shall it be. Be sure to scroll down and vote for your teams!
On this week’s show:
Here’s what we know: Baylor sucks, Texas is the best 5-7 in college football, Oklahoma didn’t have to risk losing a conference championship game, Clemson can score points (but also gives up a lot), Michigan State is just good enough, and Alabama played a team with worse offense output than Auburn and that’s sayin’ sumthin. Let’s talk about it plus the final Top 4 teams and our POTW, right here!
With the official start to the College Football season unofficially underway, SEC media days is drawing to a close. As always there are still a lot of questions left unanswered. Like does Brett Bielema wear a shirt under his wind breaker, or what is Nick Saban’s opinions on height requirements at Six Flags. Sadly these hot topic questions will have to wait until next year. So lets talk about the stock questions that basically every coach was asked.
Day one gave us SEC commissioner Greg Sankey, Gus Malzahn, Jim McElwain, and Derek Mason. Greg Sankey rambled on for an hour about Bob Dylan songs and his twitter account so for your sake lets skip past him.
Gus Malzahn was the first coach to speak at Media Days this year. As always in interviews he stayed calm and collected, trying to keep it hidden that he too knows that the Auburn Tigers are probably the best team in college football. However to every Auburn fan’s delight he did take some jabs at other coaches in the league saying “even coaches that complained about up-tempo are starting to use it in their offenses too.” This of course was a direct jab at the little man in Tuscaloosa.
After Gus was finished and most the reporters went back to the hotel, there were still two coaches left to go. But lets be honest who really cares about teams from the east anyways.
Day two was an uneventful day. The main highlights being that the Head Ball Coach has not yet retired and that they have so much depth that he brought his kicker. Dan Mullin, a.k.a. Cousin Eddie, was sporting Adidas tennis shoes to go along with his “swag”.
Then finally on day three after the SEC network acquired a step stool from the local Wal-Mart, Nick Saban took the stage. As always Nick Saban tried to make excuses for his team. His reasoning behind losing to OSU was of course the draft deadline. He stated this his team was not focused because they were distracted by deciding on whether to declare for the NFL draft or not. Afterwards, he went back to his old favorite go-to gripe of badmouthing up-tempo offenses.
As day three trickled to a close, we saw two more teams from the East that nobody cares about. The mystery of Coach Bert’s shirt goes unanswered once again.
Day 4 was just as uneventful as the rest. Closing out the week was UGA, Ole Miss, and LSU. After that the always accurate media made its predictions of how the SEC will pan out, because let be honest what would a SEC show be without some way-too-early predictions?
Auburn as expected was picked to win the SEC championship, and UGA picked to win the East….. and wait for it…..Alabama to win the West. How could that happen you might ask? My guess is that the media just gave it to them because when it’s all said and done, Alabama would have just claimed the title anyways.
So now that #SECMD15 are over and the population of Hoover, Alabama dwindles back to normal, we are smacked in the face with the reality that college football is still almost 2 months away. So as we creep closer to the actual start of college football, and catch up on the reruns of every game from last year, we are still left with two burning questions: Does Brett Bielema wear t-shirts under his windbreaker, and will Nick Saban’s new platform Nike’s be broken in before September?