By: Bill Bennett
Hope Solo, Olympic Gold Metal Champion and raging asshole, blamed Sweden for the loss of their soccer match yesterday, accusing them of playing like cowards.
That is only the tip of the iceberg. She also blames Sweden for causing her to beat her head against the wall for three hours after trying to put together that four piece end table from Ikea. “Those damn Swedes, ” she bitched, “Sent my brother to the ER back in 2004. I told him to go the driveway to see my new Volvo. He thought I said “vulva” and sprained his groin humping the car like it was a German Shepard in heat.” What really pissed her off happened after watching the movie “Mamma Mia.” She was so overwhelmed by rhyming of the songs “Honey, Honey,” and “Money, Money, Money” that she arranged an orgy with ABBA. “Now I missed my period and I will give birth to a spineless, Herring loving, pacifist.” She went on to preach, “Did you know those lily-livered Swedes were neutral in the “Big War?” Not like the good ole US of A. We bomb the shit out of any country whenever we feel like it. Who needs Congressional approval or a formal declaration of war?”
Hope blame several other countries for atrocities they have committed:
Great Britain: For honoring that bitch Queen Elizabeth who she is sure smells like cat piss
Poland: For taking some many people to screw in a light bulb
Japan: For sushi. “There are plenty of fish smells in the locker room after a match that satisfy my cravings.”