College Football

LSU and Mississippi State Plan to Merge Football Operations

11 Sep , 2016  

By Bill Bennett

School officials from both universities announced this morning their intention of merging the two football programs, pending approval from the SEC. It is the perfect marriage, much like the Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin ass chewing union. LSU refuses to run an offense. In fact, we aren’t sure Les Miles knows what offense means, and Starksville Middle School could score 21 against the Bulldog defense. With a combined coaching salary that is higher than the GDP of Bulgaria, it is a way of trimming some costs and maybe beating a lower tier Power 5 team.

Coach Dan Mullen, still wearing black after Zak Prescott’s graduation, said, “Shit, we can’t stop an old lady in a walker with this defense.” Les Miles, with two fingers up his ass, said, “I enjoyed watching Harris drive the offense to gain 12 yards in the first quarter against that strong FCS team. What was their name again?”

Merging the two teams was the idea of the LSU AD who is renown for making brilliant strategic moves. What about those men’s and women basketball coaches he hired at LSU? And who doesn’t admire the way he handled John Chavis’s contract in 2014 and the Les Miles “firing” last fall?

The new team, called the LMSU Wannabe’s, will be based in Baton Rouge. LSU will divest itself of Cam Cameron and Brandon Harris to help gain SEC approval. Mississippi State will get rid of those annoying cowbells and that damn drooling dog.

In other SEC news, Paul Finebaum, the grotesque looking and annoying SEC network host, who inexplicably still is on the air, was caught on surveillance mounting Tammy from the rear. He was wearing an Auburn sweatshirt and Gus Malzhan mask. After airing on Sports Center, one viewer said, “I haven’t thrown up and had shits like that since I had a Chipotle burrito.”

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