The coaches of today take a lot of heat from their respective employers. Rightfully so when they’re being paid a gazillion dollars a year. The college football head coach of today is far cry from the coaching greats of yore. I long for the days of coaches being an energetic coach (even as an assistant) that bucked pussyfooting of media outlets and pansy wannabe ball players. Bring these coaches back!
Don’t get me wrong, there are college football coaches on the sidelines that have done an amazing job with wins and losses. I’m looking beyond wins and losses. I’m looking at the days where a coach would grab a player by the facemask and drag him off the field for a mental lapse during play they way Jimbo Fisher shows here.
I’m looking for more coaches like Nick Saban telling his national caliber football team they “ain’t shit” in practice. I’m looking for coaches like Steve Spurrier that believed there’s no mercy for a defense they can’t stop the 15-yard dig route.
In addition to being the coach and father figure, the coach of today has to be a psychologist. Gone are the days of recruiting lures being a trip to the locker room or through The Grove. Now you have to Tweet, Snap and DM like some kid born in the 1990s to recruit. Now you have to deal with kids wanting to have more wristbands at their disposal. Never mind the fact that the kid doesn’t even wear said wristbands on HIS WRISTS.
Fortunately, people like Saban and Fisher have a pretty strong foothold with their employers and fan base and don’t have to succumb to some of the foolishness from today’s athlete. Dabo Swinney is a coach that’s been able to tap into the psyche of today’s athlete. He’s one of the few to get it right by adding a balance of “I’ll dance with you after a win,” as well as send a hot player home from the conference championship for being a selfish idiot.
Remember Joe Kines? Where would he fit in today’s coaching world?Remember this epic halftime “interview?”
I like to think there’s always a place for coaches like Kines, Swinney and Saban. Today’s athlete and boosters don’t make it easy for coaches today, for sure.
What are you thoughts?
By: Bill Bennett
The NCAA has been investigating claims that Coach Freeze, his staff and Ole Miss for several thousand recruiting violations for over a decade. This includes paying recruits. Today they announced the investigation is expanding to include players who took the money, women and gifts from Freeze and shopped them to other programs, including Auburn and Mississippi State.
One Auburn player told our team that “Coach Freeze gave me a couple of thou, a bitch for the night and some toys for each of my seven kids.” He went on to say, “Coach Gus gave me a couple of thou, a hand job, a red Corvette and hooked me up with a dentist so I could get a Cam Newton smile with my gold teeth.” I asked him if this deal was enough to make him an Auburn Tiger. ” I called Coach Freeze and told him what Auburn was giving me. He countered with a used Camaro and a guaranteed cameo in Blind Side 2 if they were to make it. That’s why I am an Auburn Tiger.”
Coach Freeze has declared his character, which means everything to him after fame, fortune, his mistress, and Swiss Bank Account, is being unfairly attacked. Micheal Oher, who gets 10% of Freezes Ole Miss salary for staying silent, “Come on. The dude was a crappy High School coach and rode my fat ass to Oxford.”
The NCAA has promised a decision in this investigation no later than 2025.
Your two Igno Rant PUNdits take the auditory stage for our final preseason podcast! Herein wheretofore hither thither and yon we do discuss:
By: Bill Bennett
The college football world is buzzing over the recently opened football facilities at Clemson. Some of the amenities include: Arcade, Bowling Alley, Laser Tag, Nap room and personalized meals from a nutritionist.
In this exclusive, we toured the facility and found an additional 6 rooms that make this new building the envy of every Power 5 team:
Clean urine storage room. Copied from the Russian Olympic team, this room sits right next to the infirmary. When it is time for an impromptu drug test, this room is a pocket door away.
Ho-Room or Hooker Hangout. The bitches hang out here. They all wear a number around their neck. You pick your number(s), party and plow.
Da Club. This titty bar was built for the players, but this is where Dabo and his “staff” plan strategy, pay off recruits and hide from their wives.
Line Up Room. No need to go to Greenville to stand in a lineup just so that bitch you abused can lie and point to you. Saves a lot of time Probation Office. Another time saver and the Clemson posts the bail.
Prison. As if listening to that hayseed Dabo isn’t punishment enough. This country club penitentiary is a great place to serve your time for multiple DUI’s, possession and intent to distribute and rape and domestic abuse charges. Built to hold 25 convicts. It is full now with a waiting list.
“This here ain’t nothing,” Dabo yodeled, “Just wait till we get that ACC Network money.”
We all know that college football prides itself on traditions and fanfare. Another thing beloved fans enjoy bragging on are stadiums. “Hey Billy, your stadium sucks! It’s so tiny!” Yeah, the college football fan suffers from a bizarre inferiority complex. Sadly, it really shouldn’t have to worry about the “mine is bigger than yours” argument but it continues to fall into that dark hole.
Uh, no. Stadium size doesn’t matter, folks. Don’t get me wrong, there’s something magical about walking into a stadium with 80-100,000 people on one accord wanting their team to beat the crap outta the visiting team. Doak Campbell stadium holding over 90,000 drunken Seminole fans can be pretty intimidating on any given Saturday. Except for that time the Baptist Demon Deacons of tiny private school Wake Forest University flew in for a match. Totin’ scripture and a misdirection-based offense, Wake Forest crucified Florida State to the tune of 30-0. Oh did I mention that Wake Forest plays in front of about 30 fans each weekend at home? Ok, I exaggerated. It’s more like 40. (Just kidding) I wonder what the faithful ‘Noles fans were saying about their glorious stadium after that loss.
Speaking of Wake Forest, the adequate BB&T Stadium has also caused a few headaches for “big boy schools” visiting them for a game. I remember it like it was yesterday. Tommy Bowden was attempting to cool off the hot seat as Clemson Tigers head football coach. Playing a nationally televised game on Thursday night was a great opportunity to right the ship and get back into good graces of the Clemson boosters. Riley Skinner and Wake Forest ran Clemson off of BB&T Field without breaking sweat. Coach Bowden returned back to the upstate of South Carolina and found a UHaul truck in his driveway.
What’s your favorite stadium to attend a college football game? Is it just your favorite team’s or do you enjoy other stadiums? It’s ok if you enjoy others. No one here is going to call you a traitor. . .yet.
By: Bill Bennett
Hope Solo, Olympic Gold Metal Champion and raging asshole, blamed Sweden for the loss of their soccer match yesterday, accusing them of playing like cowards.
That is only the tip of the iceberg. She also blames Sweden for causing her to beat her head against the wall for three hours after trying to put together that four piece end table from Ikea. “Those damn Swedes, ” she bitched, “Sent my brother to the ER back in 2004. I told him to go the driveway to see my new Volvo. He thought I said “vulva” and sprained his groin humping the car like it was a German Shepard in heat.” What really pissed her off happened after watching the movie “Mamma Mia.” She was so overwhelmed by rhyming of the songs “Honey, Honey,” and “Money, Money, Money” that she arranged an orgy with ABBA. “Now I missed my period and I will give birth to a spineless, Herring loving, pacifist.” She went on to preach, “Did you know those lily-livered Swedes were neutral in the “Big War?” Not like the good ole US of A. We bomb the shit out of any country whenever we feel like it. Who needs Congressional approval or a formal declaration of war?”
Hope blame several other countries for atrocities they have committed:
Great Britain: For honoring that bitch Queen Elizabeth who she is sure smells like cat piss
Poland: For taking some many people to screw in a light bulb
Japan: For sushi. “There are plenty of fish smells in the locker room after a match that satisfy my cravings.”
Let’s face it, the Georgia program reeks of desperation (especially after “mutual parting of the ways” firing of Mark Richt). And why not? We all know that Georgians look down on their border buddy to the west. Atlanta is better than Birmingham, Savannah better than Mobile, the Falcons better than…. HAHAHA! the Falcons suck.
But still, they have a pro team and we don’t (and we don’t want one, dadblamit, despite what a bunch of Birmingham businessmen say). So it must really stick in their craw for teams from Alabama (The Tide, and the Tigers to a lesser extent) to really show them up at the college pigskin game.
So we sat down with Georgia superfan Will Hart to find out his feelings on the State of the Program in Athens. Also in this podcast:
By: Bill Bennett
It is a well known fact that Tim Tebow does not believe in sex before matrimony. I felt the same way until the eleventh grade when Angela Cooterson got drunk, thought I was the Captain of the baseball team, and rode me like a palomino. In fact, it has been said that Tim believes the fantasy of sex in one’s mind matters as much as the sex in your bedroom. If he is right about this, and I hope he is, that means there are going to be a room full of horny Las Vegas show girls when I turn in tonight.
Playing baseball is going to be a moral dilemma for Mr. Tebow. How can he reconcile extra base hits with his strong puritanical beliefs? What will he do if he has to go to “second base” before he gets married? What will he do if he has to steal a base, shattering one of the commandments? Can you imagine the self-flagellation he will endure if he gets to third base? Forget about a “home run.” Will the pro scouts care that he throws like a girl and won’t rearrange his privates at the plate before he bats?
I heard Tim wanted to play in the Bronx, but when they told him he would be a “Yankee” he said he didn’t masturbate and didn’t want to be around anyone who did. Wherever he lands, probably the Los Angeles “Angels,” we all wish him the best and hope that baseballs will relieve his blue balls.
By: Bill Bennett
Most people have never heard of Butch Jones. This includes 66% of the players he coaches. I asked his tight end, La Scivious Chlamydia, what they thought of Coach Jones. He responded, “Is that the white dude with a nasal voice and crew cut. He is a douche.” He went on to say, ” Ever since Coach found out he was the 13th choice to replace that pansy who wore the orange pants he has been a real prick. He was really pissed when he found out Coach Fulmer’s wife, Vicky, turned down the job before he was interviewed.” All of his other teammates were too busy pleading with their lawyers to have their rape charges reduced to aggravated domestic assaults to talk to me. So, I did some deep diving to find out who Butch Jones really is.
Butch was born Lyle Allen Jones, Jr. Many people blame the deaths of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy on him as those tragic events happened in the same year. As an aside, Lyle was the name of the kid in my high school who played the role of Juliet in “Romeo and Juliet” when Amanda Grunewald was suspended for starting a knife fight in the girls bathroom over the last tampon in the machine. Lyle, who went by the nickname “Basket Shopper,” had a promising career as manicurist and back up dancer on a Carnival cruise ship. This was cut short when he was arrested for giving a blow job to an undercover cop at a rest stop on I-85. I heard he pleaded innocent saying, “Yes, I saw the hole in the stall, but I was hungry so I put a dollar in the slot and ordered a hot dog. I should have known something was “up” when it came through without a bun.” There is some good news about Lyle. When he got out of prison, I heard his anal rejuvenation surgery was a success. The point here is adopting the nickname Butch made sense for Lyle. It also helped him compensate for being born with an inverted penis.
The only other Butch I have known in my lifetime is Vaginella “Butch” Beaverton, who is head of security at the Wal Mart Supercenter over in Eufala. I know her as “Vag” from high school, but her name tag says “Butch” and I am not about to argue with her. I met her when we were both on the wrestling team. Nobody knew she was a girl for the first month of practice. She was the most aggressive player on the team, and I secretly admired her stamina and flannel shirts. Vag was the reason that our team beat Abbeville in our first match of the season. She took down the captain of their team, Pierre La Faggota, with an “Indiana Hook” followed by a “Fireman’s Carry.” She also kicked him in the “balls.” The coach caught on after the match when he noticed red stains on Vag’s uniform. He was concerned and ordered “him”
to get in his office and strip for a closer look. Coach came out of his office, shaking his head and white as a Republican delegate. “Vag is female” he said, “The red stains are not from injuries. She is on the rag.” We had to forfeit the match. The kid she body slammed during the match, Pierre, was disowned by his humiliated father. He changed his name to Mookie Steel hoping to grow a pair and moved to Elba where he has a part time job at the DQ Grill and Chill. On weekends, he makes extra bucks by scraping roadkill off County Road 309. This is also his main source of protein.
Butch was born in a small town in southern Michigan. He played with himself and was always sniffing his fingers, so kids, teachers and even perverts stayed away. Things didn’t get better as he aged. He had a rough high school experience. He finally got a date his junior year when Ronnie Snodgrass’s cousin visited for the weekend and Ronnie could only go out if he found her a date. After calling everyone he didn’t like, he called on Butch. When Ronnie’s cousin slipped Butch the tongue with her good night kiss, he lost control and stained his khakis. The next day he told his mother that he had spilled glue in his underpants while playing with his “Erector” set. His mother just sighed and said, “How did I raise such a putz?” He squeaked by in High School thanks to his A in typing class, his perfect attendance record and the blue ribbon he won for the birdcage he built in wood shop.( Only Butch knew he was trying to make an ashtray). But, he was a fearless football player and earned this left handed compliment from his coach. “He is too dumb to know when to stop trying.” He applied to every name brand college in Southwestern Michigan, but was rejected because he couldn’t complete the applications. “The questions were brutal,” he lamented, “I didn’t take Geometry so I didn’t know how to answer that what is your SSN# question.” After his mother spent the afternoon with the Dean of admissions in the back of his Dodge, he did get a scholarship to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off State University in Big Rapids, Michigan. This was a big deal for Butch. FBDO State was 94 miles away from home. It took him three days to get there because he kept taking a left and falling into Lake Michigan instead of turning right onto US 131. His mother finally drove him there because she was sick of drying him off. In an exclusive interview, she told me. “I would have slept with a John Deere Combine to get his ass out of the house.”
Join us next week for Part 2 of the Butch Jones Story, “How a Mediocre Coach can fool the media by following two great coaches using their playbook and players.”
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