College Football

Tebow Swings for the Majors. Will He Strike Out or Foul His Image?

10 Aug , 2016  

By: Bill Bennett

It is a well known fact that Tim Tebow does not believe in sex before matrimony. I felt the same way until the eleventh grade when Angela Cooterson got drunk, thought I was the Captain of the baseball team, and rode me like a palomino. In fact, it has been said that Tim believes the fantasy of sex in one’s mind matters as much as the sex in your bedroom. If he is right about this, and I hope he is, that means there are going to be a room full of horny Las Vegas show girls when I turn in tonight. 

Playing baseball is going to be a moral dilemma for Mr. Tebow. How can he reconcile extra base hits with his strong puritanical beliefs? What will he do if he has to go to “second base” before he gets married? What will he do if he has to steal a base, shattering one of the commandments? Can you imagine the self-flagellation he will endure if he gets to third base? Forget about a “home run.” Will the pro scouts care that he throws like a girl and won’t rearrange his privates at the plate before he bats? 

 I heard Tim wanted to play in the Bronx, but when they told him he would be a “Yankee” he said he didn’t masturbate and didn’t want to be around anyone who did. Wherever he lands, probably the Los Angeles “Angels,” we all wish him the best and hope that baseballs will relieve his blue balls.

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