College Football

The Biggest Loser is Coming to ESPN

19 Sep , 2016  

By: Bill Bennett
Bristol Connecticut: ESPN announces they are rebooting NBC’s “The Biggest Loser” for Saturday evening’s Auburn vs LSU game. College football writer and name dropper, Ivan Maisel, will be the emcee for this tragic event. “Both of these teams really suck,” Maisel pontificated. “Malzhan and Miles are the only leaders of Power 5 programs that excel in coaching down so much talent.” Auburn’s delusional top fan, Jeremy Head, was thrilled when his Tiger’s “did everything he asked them to do” in beating down that perennial powerhouse Arkansas State (now ranked #108 nationally). He forgot that Auburn has lost seven straight home games to Power 5 teams. But, who better than Les Miles to win the battle of inept coaches on the Plains? LSU hasn’t scored a TD, or any other points, in the third and fourth quarters in the last two games. “I enjoy not finishing off teams in the second half,” Miles said fishing out a stubborn booger. Rolling the green mass of mucus in his fingers, he declared, “I have a damn good team. So what that I run an offense designed for Michigan in 1969. Every night, as I jack off to Bo Schemblecher’s picture, I tell him I am doing it for you.” As he tossed the boog into his mouth and swallowed, he chortled, “I predict a Tiger will win the game on Saturday night.”

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