By: Bill Bennett
Most people have never heard of Butch Jones. This includes 66% of the players he coaches. I asked his tight end, La Scivious Chlamydia, what they thought of Coach Jones. He responded, “Is that the white dude with a nasal voice and crew cut. He is a douche.” He went on to say, ” Ever since Coach found out he was the 13th choice to replace that pansy who wore the orange pants he has been a real prick. He was really pissed when he found out Coach Fulmer’s wife, Vicky, turned down the job before he was interviewed.” All of his other teammates were too busy pleading with their lawyers to have their rape charges reduced to aggravated domestic assaults to talk to me. So, I did some deep diving to find out who Butch Jones really is.
Butch was born Lyle Allen Jones, Jr. Many people blame the deaths of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Bobby Kennedy on him as those tragic events happened in the same year. As an aside, Lyle was the name of the kid in my high school who played the role of Juliet in “Romeo and Juliet” when Amanda Grunewald was suspended for starting a knife fight in the girls bathroom over the last tampon in the machine. Lyle, who went by the nickname “Basket Shopper,” had a promising career as manicurist and back up dancer on a Carnival cruise ship. This was cut short when he was arrested for giving a blow job to an undercover cop at a rest stop on I-85. I heard he pleaded innocent saying, “Yes, I saw the hole in the stall, but I was hungry so I put a dollar in the slot and ordered a hot dog. I should have known something was “up” when it came through without a bun.” There is some good news about Lyle. When he got out of prison, I heard his anal rejuvenation surgery was a success. The point here is adopting the nickname Butch made sense for Lyle. It also helped him compensate for being born with an inverted penis.
The only other Butch I have known in my lifetime is Vaginella “Butch” Beaverton, who is head of security at the Wal Mart Supercenter over in Eufala. I know her as “Vag” from high school, but her name tag says “Butch” and I am not about to argue with her. I met her when we were both on the wrestling team. Nobody knew she was a girl for the first month of practice. She was the most aggressive player on the team, and I secretly admired her stamina and flannel shirts. Vag was the reason that our team beat Abbeville in our first match of the season. She took down the captain of their team, Pierre La Faggota, with an “Indiana Hook” followed by a “Fireman’s Carry.” She also kicked him in the “balls.” The coach caught on after the match when he noticed red stains on Vag’s uniform. He was concerned and ordered “him”
to get in his office and strip for a closer look. Coach came out of his office, shaking his head and white as a Republican delegate. “Vag is female” he said, “The red stains are not from injuries. She is on the rag.” We had to forfeit the match. The kid she body slammed during the match, Pierre, was disowned by his humiliated father. He changed his name to Mookie Steel hoping to grow a pair and moved to Elba where he has a part time job at the DQ Grill and Chill. On weekends, he makes extra bucks by scraping roadkill off County Road 309. This is also his main source of protein.
Butch was born in a small town in southern Michigan. He played with himself and was always sniffing his fingers, so kids, teachers and even perverts stayed away. Things didn’t get better as he aged. He had a rough high school experience. He finally got a date his junior year when Ronnie Snodgrass’s cousin visited for the weekend and Ronnie could only go out if he found her a date. After calling everyone he didn’t like, he called on Butch. When Ronnie’s cousin slipped Butch the tongue with her good night kiss, he lost control and stained his khakis. The next day he told his mother that he had spilled glue in his underpants while playing with his “Erector” set. His mother just sighed and said, “How did I raise such a putz?” He squeaked by in High School thanks to his A in typing class, his perfect attendance record and the blue ribbon he won for the birdcage he built in wood shop.( Only Butch knew he was trying to make an ashtray). But, he was a fearless football player and earned this left handed compliment from his coach. “He is too dumb to know when to stop trying.” He applied to every name brand college in Southwestern Michigan, but was rejected because he couldn’t complete the applications. “The questions were brutal,” he lamented, “I didn’t take Geometry so I didn’t know how to answer that what is your SSN# question.” After his mother spent the afternoon with the Dean of admissions in the back of his Dodge, he did get a scholarship to Ferris Bueller’s Day Off State University in Big Rapids, Michigan. This was a big deal for Butch. FBDO State was 94 miles away from home. It took him three days to get there because he kept taking a left and falling into Lake Michigan instead of turning right onto US 131. His mother finally drove him there because she was sick of drying him off. In an exclusive interview, she told me. “I would have slept with a John Deere Combine to get his ass out of the house.”
Join us next week for Part 2 of the Butch Jones Story, “How a Mediocre Coach can fool the media by following two great coaches using their playbook and players.”