Best wishes to all the fans in areas affected by Hurricane Matthew — stay safe and dry! Not all games have been ruined by weather though: The Red River Shootout has been done in by the fact that no one cares (due to the Big XII sucking and all).
Has Mark Richted the ship in Miami? Which story of redemption wins the day: Tennessee or Kevin Sumlin? And can Auburn get a second coach fired by notching a 2nd SEC victory?
Sure, there was Clemson over Louisville and Tennessee trading hail marys with Georgia, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that North Carolina… UNC at Chapel Hill bested Florida State on a last minute 52-yard FG. Ah, football is indeed heaven.
By: Bill Bennett
Lashlee, while wallowing in his own feces, has contacted Interim Coach Ed Oregon at LSU to find out how he arranged to have Les Miles fired so he could take over. ” I have tried to get Gus on a motorcycle with some broad, but he isn’t falling for it,” Lashlee snorted. The former Arkansas Quarterback, who is credited with Auburn’s impressive wins against NCAA powerhouse Arkansas State and University of Louisiana at Monroe, knows his window of opportunity is closing. “I have to get his ass canned soon or those bastards upstairs will go for Lane Kiffin.”
In other news, Coach Nick Saban continues to berate his transferring QB for being a quitter. Saban, who swears his shit doesn’t stink, forgot that he left Kent State, Michigan State, LSU and the Miami Dolphins without fulfilling his contractual obligations. Saban doesn’t seem to comprehend that it is okay for him to pursue a better opportunity but not okay for one of his minions. Saban, who also doesn’t believe Miss Terry is a gold digging bitch or that Paul Feinbaum is a bald headed turd, spent the afternoon spit shining his statue in front of the stadium.
There are some great looking games slated for this weekend, but honestly they’re all outside of the SEC. Still, Jeremy & Carey manage to meet their quote of asinine analysis and vapid vocalizations.
Is it over? Is the Les Miles era finished for real? We had so much fun with the Mad Hatter in Baton Rouge — and then it was gone, like so much grass in the wind.
Anyhow, a bunch of teams won and about half of ’em lost, but Jeremy and Carey pick through the ones that matter and give you the most Igno Rant analysis you’ve ever set ears upon, including:
SEC play is up and running in full mode now. The time for moral victories is past; it’s put up or shut up (and get fired). We’ll find out a lot about who’s the real deal this week, as Jeremy and Carey make their picks for:
Look y’all, with so many teams getting embarrassed and not taking care of business, you gotta take the ball of actual winning all the way into the end zone (or, if you’re an Auburn fan, take that moral victory as far as you can).
If you want to know the definitive Igno Rant analysis of the Auburn and Bama games, then you’ve stumbled upon the right web page.
By: Bill Bennett
Bristol Connecticut: ESPN announces they are rebooting NBC’s “The Biggest Loser” for Saturday evening’s Auburn vs LSU game. College football writer and name dropper, Ivan Maisel, will be the emcee for this tragic event. “Both of these teams really suck,” Maisel pontificated. “Malzhan and Miles are the only leaders of Power 5 programs that excel in coaching down so much talent.” Auburn’s delusional top fan, Jeremy Head, was thrilled when his Tiger’s “did everything he asked them to do” in beating down that perennial powerhouse Arkansas State (now ranked #108 nationally). He forgot that Auburn has lost seven straight home games to Power 5 teams. But, who better than Les Miles to win the battle of inept coaches on the Plains? LSU hasn’t scored a TD, or any other points, in the third and fourth quarters in the last two games. “I enjoy not finishing off teams in the second half,” Miles said fishing out a stubborn booger. Rolling the green mass of mucus in his fingers, he declared, “I have a damn good team. So what that I run an offense designed for Michigan in 1969. Every night, as I jack off to Bo Schemblecher’s picture, I tell him I am doing it for you.” As he tossed the boog into his mouth and swallowed, he chortled, “I predict a Tiger will win the game on Saturday night.”
By: Bill Bennett
Jimbo Fisher, walking on his tip toes and wincing in pain after being savagely raped by Bobby Petrino’s offense, is on the way to the doctor for an ass check. In the meantime, he has called his agent. “That sleazy prick Pertrino beat the shit out of us. I feel like he drove his motorcycle up my ass. Get me the hell out of here! Get LSU on the phone and this time don’t call collect. Tell them to can that ass gasket Miles. I can be there first thing in the morning. And don’t be such a dick this time. Tell them I will take the job for 6 million if they throw in a cheerleader. If you can’t pull that off, get North Carolina State on the phone.”
by Ant Pruitt
Clemson (fortunately) defeated Troy to improve to 2-0 on this early college football season. As a Clemson fan, I should be over the moon, right? Well I’m not. I need to get this rant out of my system. I mean this is the igno-RANTS blog and all. Man I’m so frustrated!
For starters, games set to kickoff prior to 3PM should be banned here in the south. Even in the month of November. BAN the early football games. First you have to battle with the heat and humidity. Next you have to battle with decreased tailgating time. I know we start our tailgating anywhere between 6 and 8AM. Not a lot of time to get “game ready” as a fan, in my opinion. Well. . .unless you start tailgating the day before.
In continuing my rant, I’ll actually discuss this week’s game. Clemson won the ballgame 30-24. It was a poorly played game from an offensive standpoint of the Tigers. It was well played by the men of Troy. As my son and I sat in the stadium frying eggs on my scalp, we couldn’t help but notice a lackluster effort that seemed to be shown from the offensive line. Clemson wide receivers seemed to have dropsalitis as passes were dropped just about every time. Granted the awesome Deshawn Watson didn’t always help the situation with bad tosses, but there were too many times the ball was flat out dropped by guys that boast being the best wide receivers in the nation.
I felt the kids needed a serious ass chewing from ol’ Dabo to get themselves back into gear. Gameplay got better, but it was still pretty bad.
Lastly, let me share my two cents on the officials. You know it’s easy for most casual football fans to bitch and moan about football officiating when their team loses. My team didn’t lose this week, but the officiating was horrendous and affected BOTH teams. These guys must have worked on an hourly rate because the game lasted well into the 4 o’clock hour for no reason. So many official timeouts to set the clock or conference about a particular play. Yeah we as fans want the officials to make the right calls, but we don’t want the game’s pace to slow to a crawl. Sometimes the guys just seemed CLUELESS. How do you call an official’s timeout, resume play, then stop play before the snap because you never started the play clock? By far the worst officiating team I’ve witnessed this side of the Ron Cherry days.
Clemson won and deservedly dropped a few spots in the college rankings. The Tigers just didn’t look good against a lesser opponent. At least we’re currently 2-0 versus the state of Alabama. . . .