BY: Bill Bennett
Citing verbal abuse, Lane Kiffin has filed for divorce from Nick Saban. This will be Kiffin’s second divorce this year. “My wife was beautiful but a real bitch,” he said as he was buttoning up his maternity shirt, “Nick is just an asshole. He ripped my face off on national TV.” He will continue in his roll as offensive coordinator, making 1.4 million a year, until another USC coach gets fired. “When you get fired at USC, you are ready to suck Nick’s ass for a paycheck,” the once proud and now lowly sycophant declared. If no USC coach is available, rumor has it Donald Trump is interested in the position.
Look, there just aren’t that many teams dealing with their tweener teams (cupcakes what sit ‘tween big games) like they should. Auburn, Ohio State, and Michigan did it this week. Bama and LSU weren’t ever in danger, but have work to do. Clemson wuz straight up scared. And Georgia? Dang, man, you need a ride home or something?
Still, bigger props go out to Arkansas, Tennessee, and MAC officiating for really taking care of business.
Listen to all the recap havoc and get set: Week 3 is gonna be a fun ‘un!
By Bill Bennett
School officials from both universities announced this morning their intention of merging the two football programs, pending approval from the SEC. It is the perfect marriage, much like the Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin ass chewing union. LSU refuses to run an offense. In fact, we aren’t sure Les Miles knows what offense means, and Starksville Middle School could score 21 against the Bulldog defense. With a combined coaching salary that is higher than the GDP of Bulgaria, it is a way of trimming some costs and maybe beating a lower tier Power 5 team.
Coach Dan Mullen, still wearing black after Zak Prescott’s graduation, said, “Shit, we can’t stop an old lady in a walker with this defense.” Les Miles, with two fingers up his ass, said, “I enjoyed watching Harris drive the offense to gain 12 yards in the first quarter against that strong FCS team. What was their name again?”
Merging the two teams was the idea of the LSU AD who is renown for making brilliant strategic moves. What about those men’s and women basketball coaches he hired at LSU? And who doesn’t admire the way he handled John Chavis’s contract in 2014 and the Les Miles “firing” last fall?
The new team, called the LMSU Wannabe’s, will be based in Baton Rouge. LSU will divest itself of Cam Cameron and Brandon Harris to help gain SEC approval. Mississippi State will get rid of those annoying cowbells and that damn drooling dog.
In other SEC news, Paul Finebaum, the grotesque looking and annoying SEC network host, who inexplicably still is on the air, was caught on surveillance mounting Tammy from the rear. He was wearing an Auburn sweatshirt and Gus Malzhan mask. After airing on Sports Center, one viewer said, “I haven’t thrown up and had shits like that since I had a Chipotle burrito.”
Sometimes you just can’t get enough Auburn talk, amiright? The Ignorant Barners is a spinoff podcast for Auburn fans who just haven’t had enough ignorant talk from the Igno Rants on CFB. Join Jeremy, Scott, Pip, and Flippo as they rant and rave about all things Auburn on a weekly show that can normally catch on a Wednesday night lifestream show on YouTube.
This weeks show:
Click here to listen via Soundcloud: The Ignorant Barners: Week 1
Hey, Gus. THIS is how you swap QBs.
— IgnoRants (@IgnoRantTalk) September 5, 2016
This was a great weekend of college football. That is, unless you were an up-and-coming team looking to make a statement (Houston, thanks for being the exception that proves the rule). These teams saw their preseason feel-goods dashed against the cold, wet pavement of reality in week one:
Just to name the big ‘uns. Jeremy and Carey break it all down for you in our big ‘ol Week One Recap show.
(we didn’t bring up numbers in the show, but as of Saturday night, Jeremy was 3-4 on picks, Carey was 5-2)
By: Bill Bennett
Les Miles thought below par was a good thingLes Miles confessed, “I messed up. I thought the winning team had the lowest score.” “Joe, (LSU Athletic Director), ripped my face off saying, “That’s golf you frigging moron.” Cam Cameron, who was busy kissing Les’ ass, had a mouthful and couldn’t speak.
Les, chuckling to himself, said, “After those assholes tried to dump me last year, I vowed to get even. My plan was to sign another top 5 recruiting class and coach them down to a high school level. Mission accomplished.”
Cyanide pills and loaded revolvers will be distributed to the tens of fans that will come to Death Valley, renamed “Pussy Galore,” to watch the Bayou Bengal offensive juggernaut face Division 2 Jacksonville State on Saturday.
Right you are, excitable football fan! The first pickcast of the season officially kicks off 2016 footballs for realsie!
PLUS, we have a famous guest picker for the show. We’re not telling who, but we bet it Trumps other guest pickers (wink, wink).
The coaches of today take a lot of heat from their respective employers. Rightfully so when they’re being paid a gazillion dollars a year. The college football head coach of today is far cry from the coaching greats of yore. I long for the days of coaches being an energetic coach (even as an assistant) that bucked pussyfooting of media outlets and pansy wannabe ball players. Bring these coaches back!
Don’t get me wrong, there are college football coaches on the sidelines that have done an amazing job with wins and losses. I’m looking beyond wins and losses. I’m looking at the days where a coach would grab a player by the facemask and drag him off the field for a mental lapse during play they way Jimbo Fisher shows here.
I’m looking for more coaches like Nick Saban telling his national caliber football team they “ain’t shit” in practice. I’m looking for coaches like Steve Spurrier that believed there’s no mercy for a defense they can’t stop the 15-yard dig route.
In addition to being the coach and father figure, the coach of today has to be a psychologist. Gone are the days of recruiting lures being a trip to the locker room or through The Grove. Now you have to Tweet, Snap and DM like some kid born in the 1990s to recruit. Now you have to deal with kids wanting to have more wristbands at their disposal. Never mind the fact that the kid doesn’t even wear said wristbands on HIS WRISTS.
Fortunately, people like Saban and Fisher have a pretty strong foothold with their employers and fan base and don’t have to succumb to some of the foolishness from today’s athlete. Dabo Swinney is a coach that’s been able to tap into the psyche of today’s athlete. He’s one of the few to get it right by adding a balance of “I’ll dance with you after a win,” as well as send a hot player home from the conference championship for being a selfish idiot.
Remember Joe Kines? Where would he fit in today’s coaching world?Remember this epic halftime “interview?”
I like to think there’s always a place for coaches like Kines, Swinney and Saban. Today’s athlete and boosters don’t make it easy for coaches today, for sure.
What are you thoughts?
By: Bill Bennett
The NCAA has been investigating claims that Coach Freeze, his staff and Ole Miss for several thousand recruiting violations for over a decade. This includes paying recruits. Today they announced the investigation is expanding to include players who took the money, women and gifts from Freeze and shopped them to other programs, including Auburn and Mississippi State.
One Auburn player told our team that “Coach Freeze gave me a couple of thou, a bitch for the night and some toys for each of my seven kids.” He went on to say, “Coach Gus gave me a couple of thou, a hand job, a red Corvette and hooked me up with a dentist so I could get a Cam Newton smile with my gold teeth.” I asked him if this deal was enough to make him an Auburn Tiger. ” I called Coach Freeze and told him what Auburn was giving me. He countered with a used Camaro and a guaranteed cameo in Blind Side 2 if they were to make it. That’s why I am an Auburn Tiger.”
Coach Freeze has declared his character, which means everything to him after fame, fortune, his mistress, and Swiss Bank Account, is being unfairly attacked. Micheal Oher, who gets 10% of Freezes Ole Miss salary for staying silent, “Come on. The dude was a crappy High School coach and rode my fat ass to Oxford.”
The NCAA has promised a decision in this investigation no later than 2025.