Here at the Igno Rants on College Football, each day is special….but football Saturdays are more specialer. Watching this YouTube video would make this Thanksgiving holiday the very most specialist. So as we inch closer to the Iron Bowl, let’s take an inside look at they guys on game days.
By: Bill Bennett
Lashlee, while wallowing in his own feces, has contacted Interim Coach Ed Oregon at LSU to find out how he arranged to have Les Miles fired so he could take over. ” I have tried to get Gus on a motorcycle with some broad, but he isn’t falling for it,” Lashlee snorted. The former Arkansas Quarterback, who is credited with Auburn’s impressive wins against NCAA powerhouse Arkansas State and University of Louisiana at Monroe, knows his window of opportunity is closing. “I have to get his ass canned soon or those bastards upstairs will go for Lane Kiffin.”
In other news, Coach Nick Saban continues to berate his transferring QB for being a quitter. Saban, who swears his shit doesn’t stink, forgot that he left Kent State, Michigan State, LSU and the Miami Dolphins without fulfilling his contractual obligations. Saban doesn’t seem to comprehend that it is okay for him to pursue a better opportunity but not okay for one of his minions. Saban, who also doesn’t believe Miss Terry is a gold digging bitch or that Paul Feinbaum is a bald headed turd, spent the afternoon spit shining his statue in front of the stadium.
By: Bill Bennett
Bristol Connecticut: ESPN announces they are rebooting NBC’s “The Biggest Loser” for Saturday evening’s Auburn vs LSU game. College football writer and name dropper, Ivan Maisel, will be the emcee for this tragic event. “Both of these teams really suck,” Maisel pontificated. “Malzhan and Miles are the only leaders of Power 5 programs that excel in coaching down so much talent.” Auburn’s delusional top fan, Jeremy Head, was thrilled when his Tiger’s “did everything he asked them to do” in beating down that perennial powerhouse Arkansas State (now ranked #108 nationally). He forgot that Auburn has lost seven straight home games to Power 5 teams. But, who better than Les Miles to win the battle of inept coaches on the Plains? LSU hasn’t scored a TD, or any other points, in the third and fourth quarters in the last two games. “I enjoy not finishing off teams in the second half,” Miles said fishing out a stubborn booger. Rolling the green mass of mucus in his fingers, he declared, “I have a damn good team. So what that I run an offense designed for Michigan in 1969. Every night, as I jack off to Bo Schemblecher’s picture, I tell him I am doing it for you.” As he tossed the boog into his mouth and swallowed, he chortled, “I predict a Tiger will win the game on Saturday night.”
By: Bill Bennett
Jimbo Fisher, walking on his tip toes and wincing in pain after being savagely raped by Bobby Petrino’s offense, is on the way to the doctor for an ass check. In the meantime, he has called his agent. “That sleazy prick Pertrino beat the shit out of us. I feel like he drove his motorcycle up my ass. Get me the hell out of here! Get LSU on the phone and this time don’t call collect. Tell them to can that ass gasket Miles. I can be there first thing in the morning. And don’t be such a dick this time. Tell them I will take the job for 6 million if they throw in a cheerleader. If you can’t pull that off, get North Carolina State on the phone.”
BY: Bill Bennett
Citing verbal abuse, Lane Kiffin has filed for divorce from Nick Saban. This will be Kiffin’s second divorce this year. “My wife was beautiful but a real bitch,” he said as he was buttoning up his maternity shirt, “Nick is just an asshole. He ripped my face off on national TV.” He will continue in his roll as offensive coordinator, making 1.4 million a year, until another USC coach gets fired. “When you get fired at USC, you are ready to suck Nick’s ass for a paycheck,” the once proud and now lowly sycophant declared. If no USC coach is available, rumor has it Donald Trump is interested in the position.
By Bill Bennett
School officials from both universities announced this morning their intention of merging the two football programs, pending approval from the SEC. It is the perfect marriage, much like the Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin ass chewing union. LSU refuses to run an offense. In fact, we aren’t sure Les Miles knows what offense means, and Starksville Middle School could score 21 against the Bulldog defense. With a combined coaching salary that is higher than the GDP of Bulgaria, it is a way of trimming some costs and maybe beating a lower tier Power 5 team.
Coach Dan Mullen, still wearing black after Zak Prescott’s graduation, said, “Shit, we can’t stop an old lady in a walker with this defense.” Les Miles, with two fingers up his ass, said, “I enjoyed watching Harris drive the offense to gain 12 yards in the first quarter against that strong FCS team. What was their name again?”
Merging the two teams was the idea of the LSU AD who is renown for making brilliant strategic moves. What about those men’s and women basketball coaches he hired at LSU? And who doesn’t admire the way he handled John Chavis’s contract in 2014 and the Les Miles “firing” last fall?
The new team, called the LMSU Wannabe’s, will be based in Baton Rouge. LSU will divest itself of Cam Cameron and Brandon Harris to help gain SEC approval. Mississippi State will get rid of those annoying cowbells and that damn drooling dog.
In other SEC news, Paul Finebaum, the grotesque looking and annoying SEC network host, who inexplicably still is on the air, was caught on surveillance mounting Tammy from the rear. He was wearing an Auburn sweatshirt and Gus Malzhan mask. After airing on Sports Center, one viewer said, “I haven’t thrown up and had shits like that since I had a Chipotle burrito.”
Sometimes you just can’t get enough Auburn talk, amiright? The Ignorant Barners is a spinoff podcast for Auburn fans who just haven’t had enough ignorant talk from the Igno Rants on CFB. Join Jeremy, Scott, Pip, and Flippo as they rant and rave about all things Auburn on a weekly show that can normally catch on a Wednesday night lifestream show on YouTube.
This weeks show:
Click here to listen via Soundcloud: The Ignorant Barners: Week 1
By: Bill Bennett
Les Miles thought below par was a good thingLes Miles confessed, “I messed up. I thought the winning team had the lowest score.” “Joe, (LSU Athletic Director), ripped my face off saying, “That’s golf you frigging moron.” Cam Cameron, who was busy kissing Les’ ass, had a mouthful and couldn’t speak.
Les, chuckling to himself, said, “After those assholes tried to dump me last year, I vowed to get even. My plan was to sign another top 5 recruiting class and coach them down to a high school level. Mission accomplished.”
Cyanide pills and loaded revolvers will be distributed to the tens of fans that will come to Death Valley, renamed “Pussy Galore,” to watch the Bayou Bengal offensive juggernaut face Division 2 Jacksonville State on Saturday.
By: Bill Bennett
The NCAA has been investigating claims that Coach Freeze, his staff and Ole Miss for several thousand recruiting violations for over a decade. This includes paying recruits. Today they announced the investigation is expanding to include players who took the money, women and gifts from Freeze and shopped them to other programs, including Auburn and Mississippi State.
One Auburn player told our team that “Coach Freeze gave me a couple of thou, a bitch for the night and some toys for each of my seven kids.” He went on to say, “Coach Gus gave me a couple of thou, a hand job, a red Corvette and hooked me up with a dentist so I could get a Cam Newton smile with my gold teeth.” I asked him if this deal was enough to make him an Auburn Tiger. ” I called Coach Freeze and told him what Auburn was giving me. He countered with a used Camaro and a guaranteed cameo in Blind Side 2 if they were to make it. That’s why I am an Auburn Tiger.”
Coach Freeze has declared his character, which means everything to him after fame, fortune, his mistress, and Swiss Bank Account, is being unfairly attacked. Micheal Oher, who gets 10% of Freezes Ole Miss salary for staying silent, “Come on. The dude was a crappy High School coach and rode my fat ass to Oxford.”
The NCAA has promised a decision in this investigation no later than 2025.
By: Bill Bennett
The college football world is buzzing over the recently opened football facilities at Clemson. Some of the amenities include: Arcade, Bowling Alley, Laser Tag, Nap room and personalized meals from a nutritionist.
In this exclusive, we toured the facility and found an additional 6 rooms that make this new building the envy of every Power 5 team:
Clean urine storage room. Copied from the Russian Olympic team, this room sits right next to the infirmary. When it is time for an impromptu drug test, this room is a pocket door away.
Ho-Room or Hooker Hangout. The bitches hang out here. They all wear a number around their neck. You pick your number(s), party and plow.
Da Club. This titty bar was built for the players, but this is where Dabo and his “staff” plan strategy, pay off recruits and hide from their wives.
Line Up Room. No need to go to Greenville to stand in a lineup just so that bitch you abused can lie and point to you. Saves a lot of time Probation Office. Another time saver and the Clemson posts the bail.
Prison. As if listening to that hayseed Dabo isn’t punishment enough. This country club penitentiary is a great place to serve your time for multiple DUI’s, possession and intent to distribute and rape and domestic abuse charges. Built to hold 25 convicts. It is full now with a waiting list.
“This here ain’t nothing,” Dabo yodeled, “Just wait till we get that ACC Network money.”